Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Pokémon: A Lazy Tally

Now, let’s count all the dodgy looking Pokémon that were ever designed! ^^

~~~
Generation I

Voltorb and Electrode
Pokeball duplication error

Magnemite and Magneton
Experimental accident involving magnets and screws

Jynx
Possibly offensive racial stereotype?

Mr.Mime
Vacant clown reincarnation

Machoke and Machamp
Steroid abuse poster man

Tangela
Red footed spaghetti monster

Porygon
Painted blocks of cheese

Total: 10

The original generation offers many well thought out Pokémon, so we can surely forgive some of the novelty ones such as Voltorb and Magnemite. Jynx and Mr. Mime however, are just plain weird.
~~~
Generation II


Sudowoodo
Product of a tree and boulder after failing to learn how to dance

Aipom
Not quite a monkey but not yet a glove

Sunflora
The hybrid of a sunflower and catnip

Unown
Give each letter of the English alphabet an eye

Wobbuffet
Created by taping together a balloon, bed sheet and coat rack

Pineco
A pine cone with a tiny man inside

Qwilfish
Spiky ball with eyes, lips and a tail glued on

Remoraid
A very perturbed fish

Octillery
An octopus with a toilet cone embedded in it’s face from birth

Porygon 2
A painted children’s roller toy

Total: 10

Not quite as well done as the first 151, but still a good effort. The designs are beginning to stray slightly, but there are some solid new ideas in there.
~~~
Generation III

Baltoy and Claydol
An ancient dreidel and an old ceramic hotpot

Sableye
Midget zombie wearing a superhero cosplay costume

Barboach
A long, eel looking fish thing with a silly face

Trapinch
A repainted mouser from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Makuhita
A fat man with a tied hobo sack for a head

Snorunt and Glailie
A Tiki mask and the Devil’s angry hailstone

Solrock
A mutant Sunstone

Mawile
The result of genetic splicing between a child, a Venus fly trap and an oversized hair straightener

Wynaut
Created by taping together a smaller balloon, a bed sheet and coat rack

Duskull
A Haunter wearing a sheet and a skull mask for Halloween

Gulpin
A bag of sand in a sack, with lips and a feather stuck into it

Nosepass
Boulder helmet with a botched rhinoplasty

Shuppet
A maraca with a bed sheet pinned over the top

Volbeat
Flamboyant insect on too many illegal substances

Illumise
Product resulting from reassembling a beetle and Cogsworth from Beauty and the Beast

Lileep
Poisonous anemone

Cradily
Hybrid of an anemone and a Piranha Plant from Super Mario

Beldum
Vintage dumbbell with an eye

Total: 20

Now we’re starting to come off the track. Creative designs and good looking Pokémon seem to be becoming rarer, while the number resembling objects is increasing.
~~~
Generation IV

Poor replacements for Pokémon that already exist: Starly line = Pidgey line, Shieldon line = Aron line, Glameow line = Meowth line, Gible line = Bagon line, Croagunk line = Poliwag line, Finneon line = Goldeen line.

Bidoof
A dense looking beaver.

Bibarel
An even denser looking beaver.

Ambipom
Monkey equivalent of Michael Jackson

Lopunny
Offspring of Lola bunny and a woolly coat

Stunky
A skunk on drugs

Skuntank
A skunk on more drugs

Bronzor
An ugly Frisbee with eyes

Bronzong
An ugly bell with eyes

Bonsly
Mix between a bonsai tree, a boulder and Science Goo

Spiritomb
Angry halitosis in a jar

Hippopotas
An ugly, younger hippopotamus

Hippowdon
An ugly, old hippopotamus full of sand

Carnivine
Cross between a Venus flytrap and streamers

Snover
A stubby tree

Abomasnow
Offspring of a stubby tree and a Yeti


Magnezone
Experimental accident involving magnets, screws and a radio antenna

Tangrowth
A larger red footed spaghetti monster

Porygon-Z
Painted children’s toy after spending several decades in space

Probopass
Failed attempt at repairing a botched rhinoplasty by turning into Mr Potato Head

Rotom
A both deranged and haunted electrical appliance

Palkia
Lego creation

Heatran
A coffee bean monster

Regigas
A poorly designed robot, abandoned in the jungle

Manaphy
Balloon trick

Phione
Similar balloon trick

Darkrai
Created by gluing together a broom, knight armour and black clothing

Shaymin
Either a pretty hedgehog or a deer

Arceus
A horse dressed for a costume party

Total: 42

It seems we’re out of ideas now, and are desperately trying to come up with fresh designs. We’re out of unique animals to base the Pokémon after now, so we’ll have to make modifications on some that we have used before. We also seem to be having some confusion with the definition of ‘cute.’
~~~
Generation V

Poor replacements for Pokémon that already exist: Tepig line = Spoink line, Patrat line = Bidoof line, Victini = Jirachi, Purrloin = Glameow line = Meowth line, Chimchar line = Pansage line + Pansear line + Panpour line,  Pidove line = Starly line = Pidgey line, Blitzle line = Ponyta line,  Roggenrola line = Geodude line, Woobat line = Zubat line, Drilbur line = Sandshrew line, Audino = Clefable, Timburr line = Machop line, Tympole line = Poliwag line, Throh = Hitmonchan, Sawk = Hitmonlee, Cottonee line = Hoppip line, Petilil = Oddish line, Basculin = Relicanth, Sandile line = Totodile line, Maractus = Cacnea, Tirtouga line = Turtwig line = Squirtle line, Zorua line = Vulpix line, Gothita line = Smoochum line, Deerling line = Stantler, Emolga = Pachirisu, Karrablast = Heracross,  Alomomola = Luvdisc, Joltik line = Nincada line, Ferroseed line = Pineco line, Eelektrik = Gorebyss, Eelektross = Huntail, Axew line = Gible line = Bagon line, Cubchoo line = Teddiursa line, Shelmet line = Shellder line,  Cobalion + Terrakion + Virizion = Suicine + Entei + Raikou

Oshawott
An inappropriate clown displaying something vaguely vulgar on it’s chest

Lillipup
A Maltese puppy after a pie has been thrown onto it’s face

Darumaka
Poop that sprouted legs and walked

Darmanitan
The missing evolutionary link between poop, a gorilla and Rock Lee

Scraggy
A man dressed in a poorly made lizard suit

Scrafty
An old man still dressed in a poorly made lizard suit

Sigilyph
Created by gluing together a ball, crepe paper and some forks

Yamask
An ancient doorknocker

Cofagrigus
Probably what Atem used to look like at some stage

Vanillite
One scoop of retarded ice cream

Vanillish
One deluxe scoop of retarded ice cream

Vanilluxe
Two deluxe scoops of retarded ice cream plus a free straw

Trubbish
A leaking garbage bag after exposure to radiation

Garbodor
A leaking garbage bag after exposure to radiation, bubblegum and Mickey Mouse

Escavalier
A knight in a sleeping bag

Foongus
A mushroom that evolved to look like a Pokeball

Amoongus
A mushroom that evolved to look like three Pokeballs

Frillish
Created by taping a pomegranate and coloured cellophane together

Jellicent
Created by taping a pomegranate filled with shaving cream and coloured cellophane together

Klink, Klang and Klinklang
A bunch of dopey, one-eyed Lego cogs

Elgyem
A child in a good alien suit made for a school play

Beheeyem
A child in an evil alien suit made for a school play

Cryogonal
Failed attempt at a mechanical snowflake

Stunfisk
A fat dumpling overstuffed with a parrot

Mienfoo
Standard anime karate bear

Golett and Golurk
Rejected Transformers

Pawniard and Bisharp
Rejected Power Rangers

Heatmor
Cross between an anteater, a flamethrower, a rotting watermelon, and a banana

Durant
A robotic spy device gone mad

Deino, Zweilous and Hydreigon
Lost Yu-gi-Oh! Duel Monsters

Tornadus, Thundurus, and Landorus
The same old man Photoshopped badly in three different ways

Kedeo
A horse with hair dye regret

Meloetta
A crude Barbie doll created with a polystyrene ball and old wrapping paper

Genesect
A free Duel Monster donation by the good people at Yu-Gi-Oh!

Total: 114

We’re really tired of this franchise and wish it would just die already. We’re completely at our limit when it comes to new designs, so we are going to borrow some ideas off Digimon and Yu-Gi-Oh! Since we can only base Pokémon off the same animals a few times, we’re going to have to create some fresh crap using rocks and leaves. Hurry it up, we have to get this new game on the shelves by April. I don’t even care what you come up with, we just need another 155 Pokémon so we can release a whole bunch of new merchandise for our blindly loyal fanbase to buy!

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